Depression is Butts

As promised from my previous post – did the Ketogenic diet help with my genetically high cholesterol?  Not really.  Although overall cholesterol did go down; LDL went up slightly.  The minor shifts are not encouraging.

Year	Total (mg/dL)	LDL (mg/dL)	HDL (mg/dL)	Triglyceride (mg/dL)
2018 Keto 5 weeks 2 days	275	206	46	116
2017 No Diet	305	201	47	283
2016 No Diet	333	242	53	193

I can’t even remember the difference between 2017 and 2016… I know it likely wasn’t lifestyle or diet though because my lifestyle and diet has been very similar for many years.

As mentioned in my previous post, depression was not curbed much; rather it increased the catastrophic depths further and zeroed the feeling of well being.

I started this blog thinking this diet might actually fix my depression issues enough that I would not feel compelled to do any writing about depression.  Ah well, was worth a shot I suppose.

Shortly into week 5 of a strict Keto diet, instead of things getting easier, they became much harder.  Not in terms of discipline but I began to get chronic migraines.  To clarify, the last time I had gotten a migraine headache was over 20 years ago – that’s how rare they are for me.

At first I figured it was an electrolyte balance issue so I upped my Potassium Chloride – no effect.  So I upped my Potassium Citrate – no effect.  Upped my Magnesium Sulfate – nope.  Finally I had some sugar incidentally from low calorie Gatorade… migraine gone.  The next day, the exact same cycle.

So I’ve had to cut my Keto trial short of 6 weeks due to… presumably running out of some kind of resource in the body.  I don’t think this diet is something I can acclimate to long term.  I’m not sure ANYONE should unless they must for health reasons.  At least in my case I believe something that comes from FRUIT is needed to function properly.  I also tried taking supplemental Vitamin C during this diet to “cure” my fruit cravings.

At no point during this diet did I feel like I missed processed foods.  Sure Pizza sounded good, but I didn’t miss bread, crackers, cake, or pure sugar.  The only thing I felt a constant craving for was FRUIT.

I have very very bad Cholesterol due to genetics.  On this diet in about 5 weeks I have lost at least 5-10lb (hard to tell for sure due to water fluctuations).  I’m certain this is primarily due to incidental calorie restriction though.. I did not adhere to the proper level of calories during the diet.  You can gain weight on a Keto diet – calories are calories.  I know one person who has been on a Keto diet for many years for health reasons and without following the numbers strictly, they still gain weight.  Keto is not a magic bullet as some people would have you believe.

That said, today I had my blood drawn to check my almost always horrible Cholesterol levels (LDL high, etc.)  A pharmacy student actually tried to enter my numbers into a risk calculator and found they couldn’t go as high as my total cholesterol in the calculator – yes, I’m “off the charts” bad.  I haven’t gotten the results yet, but will post them once I do.

So here’s my overall conclusion: if you want to do Keto, do it for periods of time similar to a fasting ritual.  I don’t think it should be done long term though (unless necessary).  Of course I’m speaking generally, but this is from my own experience.

Now let me get to the interesting part.  When on a Keto diet, everything starts to taste sweet that didn’t before: nuts, broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower, zucchini, etc.  Even almonds or pecans start to taste like candy.

So after getting my blood drawn I went home and ate a Banana – one of the fruits I missed the most.  It was disgustingly sweet – like artificial sweetener.  That’s still not the interesting part though… I could feel a kind of “glaze” tingly feeling from the top of my head, slowly going down to my eyes, over my eyes, and slowly to my ears, etc.

I kind of feel like my nervous system is reactivating.  No kidding, on Keto since the beginning I began to have mild nephropathy – the loss of some range of sensation… all my muscles were also prone to cramping.  These symptoms even 5 weeks into the diet did NOT go away.  The induction period for Keto is 1-6 weeks… if my body was to strike a balance, it would have happened by now most likely.

I think it’s possible some people cannot thrive on this diet and may even have serious complications from it.  I blew off heart palpitations, mild nephropathy, and other mild symptoms, but I could not handle chronic migraines after 5 weeks.  I know the Keto evangelists will say that I “Did not do the Keto diet right.” and that is the ONLY reason I had these issues.  I’ll clue everyone in though: Nutritionally I did the best I could… I fixed chronic constipation, I took supplemental salts; I acclimated in every way I could as issues came up.  I’m fairly confident I did better and researched more than the majority of people could.  Meaning: I was fairly scientific about this diet and supplemented with vitamins/minerals to compensate for the lack of dietary sources.

I’m fairly convinced this diet is simply not compatible with my physiology.  I also do NOT think this is a “natural” diet or the diet of our ancestors.  If you’re going to cut something out, cut out refined carbohydrates.  This diet taught me a lot about my body and was worth trialing.

As I’m typing this I feel like my brain is doing jumping jacks for the first time in 5+ weeks.  My brain did NOT function better on Keto; my emotions were initially more flat-line but catastrophically negative thoughts began to happen every day after about 1 week; my mental clarity was NOT higher on Keto – my wife actually said I have had symptoms of incoherence the past few weeks.

I will point out one caveat when it comes to brain function; without getting into too much detail, my job (which I do most of the hours in every day) is very thought intensive.  I am in the class of thinking similar to that of a Chess Master.  I think and solve hard logical, mathematical, and strategic problems most hours of most days for multiple companies and industries.

So, brain function is very important in my daily life… I could still perform these functions, but more incoherently.  After eating a single Banana I can feel some complex thought functions reactivating.  I know that sounds like bullshit to almost everyone… I can feel my brain changing “modes” regularly.  I believe this introspection comes from practicing meditation for so many years.

People who have not practiced deep meditation for years, think meditation is a load of crap like taking a nap.  So unless you’ve meditated 1-2 hours every day for 10 years, you can keep your incredibly limited opinion on meditation to yourself. 😉

With meditation you can do “magic” tricks like turning nerves on and off, controlling heart rate, and overriding various autonomic functions.  You can also develop awareness of parts of the body that most people are unaware of.  So when I tell you I can feel my brain functioning differently despite operating from within “the simulator”, it’s true; but I am also aware that almost no one has a reference to such things and will happily call me out about it.

I look forward to seeing my cholesterol results and will share them soon.

The keto march goes on and on… did I mention I’m sick of stir fried vegetables?  Zucchini, kale, spinach, green pepper, tomato, garlic, leeks, broccoli, cauliflower, dandelion greens, etc. in varying combinations… lots of green things.  I’m very tired of eating green things, eggs, and meat.

I guess fruit is mostly what is missing.  I really enjoyed fruit – it was one of my favorite categories of food.  When is all that extra keto energy supposed to kick in?  I feel at zero all the time.  If I’m sitting still: zero; if I’m working out: zero.  I do feel tired at varying levels, but otherwise just: zero.

As for depression, I woke up with a bad case of it.  I’m also sick right now… not from keto, but from flu or something.  Thanks daycare! (again)

Will probably need to cancel a business meeting this week.  Whatever this thing is, it’s like my head is melting.  Very unpleasant.  Has keto had a magical ability to push me through?  So far it’s nothing special.  I know I’m doing the diet pretty well because my ketone output in urin is nearly in the therapeutic range (4 mmol/L, maybe a shade or two higher).  Though you can’t fully trust urine, it’s a helpful indicator.

Have I at least lost much weight?  Probably a few pounds, maybe more than 1 pound per week… my calories are never where they should be – I always fall well below.  I don’t especially feel healthier in general, but then I’m only half way through the 6 week goal.  I think if I liked meat, fat, nuts, etc. it wouldn’t be so difficult, but I don’t.  I’m sick of eating pretty much everything this diet allows.  I badly want to eat fruit.  I’m going to start a vitamin C supplement for a while to see if that helps. (a few berries a day are not enough)

I suppose in summary, it has been a fairly disappointing experience so far… but again, I may have only just begun this journey due to induction period and acclimation.  C’mon!  Let all the buzz I read about be real! *yawn*

I found myself oddly satisfied after “figuring out” my “base meal” and eating it for a couple days.  Turned out it was WAY too high in carbohydrates… I probably went over 50 grams of carbs that day or two, which showed my ketone output in urine to be “trace” levels.

This has been correcting each day back towards my “moderate” range.  So what are the foods to eat?  Mostly stuff I don’t care for:

• Bok Choy
• Celery
• Spinach
• Broccoli Rabe (ordered seeds because this is not easy to purchase)
• Mushrooms
• Mustard Greens

I like mushrooms at least.  I also give myself a tomato.  The easiest “base meal” is a stir fry with lots of vegetables.  I aim for 10g net carbs per serving, 2 servings per day.  I can then fill in my remaining 5g carbs with something decadent like sugar free pudding mix or something unexpected.

Using this “formula” I can at least poop consistently.  I found out earlier today that erythritol has a strong laxative effect on me.  It’s not supposed to happen, but apparently about half a teaspoon is enough to make the magic happen.

This blog is supposed to be about depression though.  Really this blog is supposed to be a place to say ANYTHING I want to when the depression starts to cripple me.

I have finally added a header image for the blog… painted it on a Microsoft Surface Pro 2 (or 3; can’t recall).  Next creative endeavor is to start playing piano more to help my brain to more intuitively understand composition.  Unfortunately this involves a new form of notation I invented which I haven’t written a translation layer for yet.  Hoping to just start experimenting and finding patterns.

Has a ketogenic helped with depression SO FAR.  Maybe yes?  It feels like I go from “OK” (really just flatly tired) to deep despair.  I *think* my productivity has gone up a little at least.  It can be hard for me to feel motivated about things I don’t particularly find interesting or have a strong belief in.  I try to think about my overall goals instead, but it’s still hard to perform the details.

Even so, my depression is not “Boo-hoo, no one loves me.”  I really don’t care about being loved… basically at all.  I can hear it ONCE and I never need to hear it again: OK, got the love thing done – NEXT!  I also don’t care much about the approval of others… I care about my work being appreciated, but no one can offer me a valuable approval except myself.  No one else has even an inkling of who I am or what I am capable of, and therefor cannot make an informed judgement.

My depression stems from a kind of CHRONIC BOREDOM.  It took me many years to figure that out.  Just a chronic boredom with existing… you go to bed and dread it, because there will be another tomorrow.  Another day filled with the uninteresting experience of existence itself.

Some days I wake up and just stare at the wall for 30 minutes while drinking a cup of coffee.  Eventually some motivation (or boredom with the wall) creeps in and I need to go do something else.  I think perhaps what this keto diet really does it force someone to bypass bad habits that are linked to procrastination.

For example, I can’t snack on foods… snacking means I watch something on YouTube or Netflix while doing it, avoiding doing something else.  I still watch something, but with meals, and only when no one else is around to socialize with.  My meals are basically 2 primary (stir fry), and maybe something auxiliary.  Not much in the way of snacking other than eating Pecans.  I allow myself to eat as many Pecans as I “crave”.  This conveniently is very few because I really don’t like pecans.

I’m determined to stick with this keto diet for a full 6 weeks to see if it has some real benefits.  So far the ups and downs associated with glucose are almost entirely gone when it comes to eating meals.  Now my state is more “zero”.  My emotional state is more up or down based upon inconvenience of the world around me.

Waiting on a client; waiting for an email; waiting for something else… someone asks a stupid question.  Laziness and stupidity are the greatest knives in my back.  Nothing brings me down like some laziness with a dash of stupidity, pushed in my face, that I must address.

All that said, at least those mood changes are due to actual external reality.  I’ve also realized that I have no stomach for maintaining contact with people; whether that be for potential sales or meeting new people.  People are so often forgetful and neglectful that my efforts are not appreciated and therefor it feels fruitless.  New people require familiarity, which requires telling them things about me… which involves telling new people things I’ve already told old people… not interesting.

What is this never-ending craving for “newness”?  New new new new new…. I grow so tired of the things already mastered or easily mastered.  I’m smart, right?  Really smart.  Tortured smart.  Being smart is not fun or great.

I realized a long time ago that there is a bell curve when it comes to intelligence; if you’re stupid, life sucks; if you’re average, life is average; if you’re smart, life is pretty good; if you’re really smart you probably won’t find a situation that meets your full potential, and talking to most people is difficult; if you’re really really smart… smarter than almost everyone you’ll ever meet, you’re just tortured.  When you are in the really really smart category, life is highly unfulfilling.

I could defend this perspective and my place in it, in this late night rant, that may never be read by anyone who cares; but, it becomes far too narcissistic even for my own taste.  There isn’t a good way to measure intelligence anyway.  Here’s my general take though: if you’re really really smart, you can learn what someone does as their career, well enough in a weekend to then do it professionally.  If you can do that in almost any field/trade/discipline/notation/etc. then you’re probably really really smart.  Congratulations on your shitty life.  Try not to blow your brains out every single day.

Speaking of which, I have a lot of respect for people who have “made it” to their natural death – bonus points for making it beyond the average lifespan for your gender.  Seriously, you can talk to a person who is really old and they may even be dead in the eyes, have hardly a thought bouncing around from dementia; but, wow… they have done the thing I HAVE NOT and MAY NOT ever do – they have SURVIVED existence.

If they actually enjoy existing at that age, I can only imagine they are absolutely insane.  How to even liken such a thing as enjoying so much redundant existence?  It’s like peeing into your own mouth and drinking it exclusively, every single day.  It gets a little more concentrated and bitter each time, until you’re just going through the motions for a few drops before dying of thirst.  CRAZY.

I had some serious constipation around day 5/6 of keto dieting.  I finally broke down and took 3 laxative tablets at once.  Not so much as a rumble…

I awake early the next day with some cramps, but not much else going on.  Finally I massaged my guts firmly and eventually had some very painful cramps and movement.  For reference I normally go twice a day.  Besides the first day with diarrhea, I had pooped only once, and it was a large hard poop that was unsatisfying.

Finally I had a decent poop after going only once for 6 days!  My intestines were really inflamed from the ordeal though… I was feeling pretty hopeless on the 7th day, so I really bumped up carbohydrate fiber instead of just fiber from greens with low carbs.  Success, today on the 8th day a cup of coffee got things moving more gently.

The moral of the story is don’t just focus on greens… I was really aiming to keep “gross” carbs at a minimum rather than using the “net” carb rule where total carbohydrates subtract grams of fiber to create net carbohydrates.  This seemed a bit like “cheating” to me at first glance; however, it seems to be the only way to be able to poop on this diet.  Another rule that I think is helpful is aiming for 3 colors on your plate.

I am keeping my carbs below 30 and also a handful of berries, 1 tomato, and as many greens as I like.  I no longer bother to count carbs on any of these items.  For the first time yesterday I didn’t bother adding up the numbers for my meals.  One way to make things easier to intuitively calculate is to: be sure to be under the total calories by the end of the day; count carbs, but aim to have a net lower than your total; separate protein into its own category and add it “on top” of meals as an afterthought.

Basically if you keep your numbers lower than the ideal numbers you don’t have to maintain such strict accounting.  For me personally this works fine in spite of the looseness of the numbers.  I’m also now to the point where I can re-use meals and have a good idea of what they contain without doing more than mental math.

The last time saver, if you’re calculating your meals each day very strictly, consider crafting your last meal of the day based upon the “left over” grams/calories.  Using a meal crafted for your final numbers you can avoid recording the last meal to save time. (you know you’re under the final numbers so why bother?)

As for mood, I haven’t had as much “surface level” depression; but, have been having deep feelings of hopelessness at certain times of the day.  I believe this is mostly due to issues with constipation.  That may sound ridiculous to some, but if you’re doing all this restrictive behavior in diet and your pay off is feeling bloated and like crap, it’s very discouraging.  I’m hopeful I’ve finally figured out a “groove” that will solve the constipation issues.  I also had a couple cups of mint tea before bed which I think relieved some of the inflammation in my intestines to make it easier to poop today.

The easiest part of this diet is sticking with it or staying below the ideal numbers.  The second easiest thing is the accounting.  The hardest thing is easily maintaining regularity in bowels and overall health.

Finally on a very annoying note: electrolyte imbalance.  Not only is this diet not conducive to foods with naturally high level of electrolytes; but, you actually need roughly 30% more electrolytes due to lower levels of insulin which is a regular of electrolytes.  The reason this is annoying is because most of the “starter guide” type of articles about ketogenic diets fail to mention the major issue of electrolyte imbalance.

For magnesium I tried about a teaspoon of dissolved magnesium sulfate (epsum salt) in water.  This actually made my headache go away; however, I woke up in severe pain.  My nerves at the base of my spine and my left shoulder felt like they were stabbed with an ice pick.  I went to the grocery store and purchased a “no salt” salt alternative, potassium chloride.  After about 1/4 tsp and a couple of hours, my pains went away.

This is actually very enlightening because after a night of heavy drinking I have those same types of pains.  So if you’re struggling with that kind of nerve/muscle pain after drinking, try a little potassium chloride.  On another annoying note, most of the keto advice on websites/blogs isn’t very scientific.  For example potassium chloride is a form of potassium you can acquire; however, if you want something more similar to the potassium in avocados and other produce, you’ll want potassium citrate, not chloride.

You can find these items online for purchase; but likely not at your local grocery store in a pinch.  I wish these “starter guide” keto websites would be thoughtful enough to consider electrolyte chemicals and formulations to rebalance electrolytes.

I consider the major electrolyte imbalance to be the nail in the coffin for the theory that our ancestors would eat a keto diet “naturally”.  There’s simply no reason our ancestors would avoid a starchy root or vegetable if they had the opportunity… they were constantly trying to survive and avoid starvation.  Also, most humans have lived in one way or another in unideal conditions.  They couldn’t just purchase an avocado or a bag of potassium citrate.

Our ancestors would need to rely on whatever they could as a source of nutrition and calories without much discrimination.  This diet is not conducive to good health in unideal conditions such as seasonality and unnatural highly refined chemical/mineral nutrition sources.  Yes, I realize our ancestors could wander to a cave and lick salts; however, that is an ideal situation that is presumably not globally accessible.  Certainly salt from the oceans coupled with seaweed would be the closest to ideal in many areas.

Regardless, I believe this ketogenic diet to be in the category of a modern day bio-hack that leverages ideal modern nutrition to create an unnatural physical state that can be maintained throughout seasons and over years.

One last note for my own records… after taking 3 laxative tablets I noticed the next day I felt closer again to my 2nd day of keto diet.  I suspect they contained sugar which set back my progress… either that or my intestines were so inflamed that nutrition was not being absorbed readily.

I feel back on track at this point as long as I can maintain this balance of fiber based on carbohydrates.