meg·a·lo·ma·ni·ac
meɡələˈmānēˌak – noun
1. a person who is obsessed with their own power.
adjective
2. exhibiting megalomania.
You know that feeling where you think you can save the world single handedly? My entire life I’ve felt very elitist when comparing myself to others. It’s a repeating pattern.
I’m good at everything, except what I’m not good at, which is what I’m not interested in enough to be good at. Convenient, right? Or how I think if I’m crossing the road and am hit by a car, I should have known better because I know the future.
The rational part of my brain is highly skeptical about myself and the world around me. The intuitive part of my brain is fully convinced that the external world is funneled through my own ego, and that everything pivots from my existence. The funny part is, I don’t long for self importance… what I long for is being unimportant.
When someone does something they are supposed to do, exactly as planned, I am ECSTATIC! The world kept doing its thing, without me. That is truly grand.
Yet I can’t shake this feeling that I *could* / *can* / *do* know the future, and that I *could* / *can* / *do* have the capability to “save” humanity. I also fully acknowledge that the world does keep spinning without me and that I am not a requirement for the world.
I don’t at any level feel I am pivotal in the universe, but I do feel like I *could* be. I have the capability to be pivotal. Will I be pivotal though? Will I choose to be?
I certainly don’t seek attention like a narcissist… but I do seek understanding and exploration of ideas with other people. Yet I stand above everything. I feel as though the river I am walking cannot carry me away with its current. I am “above” everyone else… but I am not “better” than everyone else. I am the observer and the action, the past and the future, nothing and everything.
Is this a connection with reality, or the furthest thing from it?